It might be due to the effect of the equinox that we just experienced yesterday that I found myself creating a sort of balance sheet when I woke up this morning. First, I listed all of the things that I feel remorseful about in my life. This includes not taking care of the tiny turtle that a friend gave me in the third grade all the way through mishaps I created for myself during my college days and down to the present day. Little things that have gnawed at me my whole life and big things that I can’t do anything about but have saddened me. The “Remorse” heading had twelve items listed underneath it. I was kind of surprised there were not more after I had done my “Scrooge-like raking over Christmases past.”
As I looked at this list of “mea culpas”, I suddenly had the idea to make a list of “Satisfactions” I have felt in my life. This was not in the game plan when I first set out on my “Remorse” exercise. Extemporaneously and without a lot of thought, I jotted down things I felt I had learned, accomplished or overcome. To my surprise, this list was longer than the first one and had seventeen items. The items were all biggies and there were no fillers in either grouping. I was surprised that “Satisfaction” was longer than “Remorse” because it certainly hasn’t been feeling that way lately.
Then, I made a heading called “Moving Forward.” And here, I’m going to paste in the actual language I wrote:
“Moving Forward: Take ownership for my satisfactions and responsibility for things I feel remorseful about. And then let it all go. Stop striving to prove myself or to make something of myself at this point in my life. Just be and be true to myself. Act intuitively and stop reaching out. Let whatever will come, come to me instead. Change the energy and the direction of the dynamic. And be grateful to acknowledge all of the above, the good, the bad and the ugly. Catch myself when I am being judgmental or defensive. Be as kind as I can be.”
And that’s all. Except perhaps to light some sage and rosemary smudge that I have on the bookshelf in its large abalone shell. So that the smoke clears the energy of the past. And to live the life I really have today.