It’s hard to concentrate on being rather than doing. For example, I woke up today thinking I need to clear out my papers and books stacked up in the other room and consolidate the things in the hallway. It needs to be done and today is a good day to take it on because the library downtown takes book donations on Wednesdays which is tomorrow. Every time I do this, I find that there are only a handful of books that I actually want to give away. They have to go somewhere, though.
I’ve been noticing that I am a different person to my daughters than I am to myself. With them, I am wanting them to be happy, rested and excited about pursuing what they want to do. And much of the time, although they are happy doing what they want to with their lives, they are often overworked, tired and dealing with crises that arise here and there. I can’t take care of those things for them–except to help out with some cash once in awhile, and moral support anytime. They’re at an age when they have their own tastes and preferences. And my house is already settled. This is definitely an arena for “being” there for them, rather than “doing.”
With myself, I live in a world inside my head, full of ideas that I attempt to express in ways that might connect with others. Inch by inch, I am nearing the precipice of having to show that world to others and to have my work considered in a more public arena. I don’t know if I can have it both ways, I guess, to be true to myself and also to have that be interesting to anyone else. I hope that I will be surprised even as I prepare myself to be stoical.
In the meantime, going with the flow and cleaning the house sounds like a really good idea.