a life of my own . . .
Getting a life of my own is not so easy. Not at my age. And not after all this time of project managing everybody else’s. Almost thirty years of that time has been spent in a career of basically telling everyone what to do and when to do it so that corporate deadlines in the biotech industry were met. Usually, it was in an environment of “Do or Die” so that the very effort took a toll on everyone; and the rewards were not always apparent. Nevertheless, being depended upon in that manner went a long way. Plus, it allowed me to recoup financially from a first marriage that ended in bankruptcy.
Coming from a highly driven, demanding family heritage for excelling in everything that one touches didn’t help either. Once, someone said to me how bossy I was, even though her telling me that indicated she was even more bossy, which didn’t seem to bother her at all somehow.
So now, after a lifetime of “doing for others” more than I have done for myself, I’m feeling that it’s time to let my raison d’etre go. People don’t want to be taken care of, really. Everyone wants to do their own thing, in their own way. It’s now up to me to figure out what that is, exactly, and what that would look like for me. It’s not so easily apparent because there are filters that shadow my outlook. So peeling them away might take a little time. On the other hand, maybe not.