“after” . . .

by mulberryshoots

ImageYou know how people like to show “before” and “after” in order to illustrate transformation? The problem is that transformation is not always visible in photographs. It’s actually even hard to describe unless and until you feel one all by yourself.

For me, the “before” was feeling over-responsible, along with an ever-present fear that unless I did something or took care of something that things would just go to pot. Thankfully, I discovered last week the source of my  life-long fear (almost falling into the ocean when I was five because no one was looking after me.) And, most important, I discovered that I was carrying around a load of anger that I had carried that fear for so long. Okay, so I’ve  put that motherlode of fear down just last week. Get it off my shoulders. Give it a kick so it slides down the mountain or wherever it’s gone.

Second, look around and take a look at who has taken the brunt of my anger for so much fear? Ah, it’s the people I want least to hurt. Better late than never, as they say. So, now that the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see how I have both protected myself and fought the untellable times when my fears might have come true, I am now fear free.

Being free of fear also means I can let go of all those things I cared about that produced the fear. It’s incredibly free-ing. I have merrily been cleaning out closets, going through old photographs, admitting fault, not taking on more fault than belongs to me, and feeling free. It’s incredible how feeling free feels. You should try it sometime. If you can.