mulberryshoots

Have you ever found yourself feeling bad about something and then taking it out on someone that you love? When we enter the ‘autumn of our years’ it’s possible to see that when you look homeward at your life up to now. For me, most of the time, it was because I felt neglected or ignored: that my feelings were dimmed out by the noise of what everyone else needed or wanted at the time. These occasions multiplied until a little core of regret formed, sometimes feeling not important enough or mattering less than everyone else around you.

Even so, it doesn’t excuse being thoughtless to others when there seems to be a general clueless cloud around this issue between us and others, especially if we’re mothers too. Otherwise, why would Hallmark have to work so hard on the messages when Mother’s Day rolls around each year?

It’s not too late to apologize, though, when an instant memory appears of an occasion when you could have been nicer or paid more attention instead of being rude or exhausted. I think it’s important to make our beds before we go. To smooth out the sheets and blankets of the past and to be able to lie in the bed we make for ourselves with a clear conscience. There are also some, a very few, for whom reaching out isn’t all that apparent anymore. For those, it’s better to just let it go rather than feeling any regrets because it doesn’t do any good, only harm…a dynamic that goes so far back that it isn’t worth remembering really. All of us have some of this kind of pain, I think. It’s how we handle it that offers us a way out for consolation of some kind. A reckoning of sorts that we take charge of for ourselves before it’s too late.

Hard to go through. But better afterwards, little by little.

Do you ever get antsy about the normal way your day goes? I saw this photo of an Egyptian camel that my daughter Caitlin took in my photo file and couldn’t resist putting it up. His expression was so sanguine–as though chewing straw or something tasty like that.

I’ve been feeling like that lately too. You know that saying about the straw that broke the camel’s back? Let’s just step back from that. Sometimes people get crispy and have meltdowns. Often, it has nothing to do with you or me. Just let it go and don’t take it personally. Their angst doesn’t belong to us and we don’t have to rush in and try to fix their problems either. There’s a lot of free-floating angst out there, it seems.

Meanwhile, this camel looked so contented that I thought it would be fun to shift the paradigm about camels and their backs being broken to one of retreat within ourselves and being still.

I’ve been thinking about pairs recently. Whom we pair off with mostly.

Compatability is something that’s often raised to explain why people find each other. You can see that when you look around you. Shared abilities and interests such as listening to music and picking up similarities in what you each hear. A lifestyle and aesthetic that is easy going because you intuitively like the same things. Such as living in a home that you don’t like to leave for very long. Pride of place. Eating dinner together every night, listening to the evening news and watching the sun set.

In the I-Ching, there are Wanderers, who never stay in one place for long. My first husband was a Wanderer. Since we parted, he has done exactly that–taken job postings with his wife in places like Morocco, Georgia (the country, not the state). I know others who travel all the time and seem not to be able to sit still in one place. Where is home for them?

One of the great wonders of the Western World is what time teaches us. Whatever it is, one thing is clear–we have NO IDEA what is in store for us when we are young. Or middle-aged. Or later on either, for that matter. It’s a mystery all the way, it seems. That’s also what’s fun about it if we can have a sense of humor about how things turn out.

As time goes by, I find myself needing less and less. Just the dishes that I love. Fewer cooking pots, a small, black Le Creuset saucepan with a wooden handle to boil my breakfast egg. Sea salt and coarsely ground pepper from a mill.

I read once that a woman who was turning one hundred years old had reduced her worldly goods down to four boxes. That seemed very responsible and very Zen to me. I am thinking about how I might pare down what I have. To stop buying more. Not because I am afraid of growing older. Simply because it makes things more simple. Less to manage. Making living lighter. And holding on just to what I treasure.

My process is unlike re-organizing or de-cluttering. That somehow feels like there’s a mess and it needs cleaning up. Rather, I pick up and keep only what I truly want to hold on to. My favorite teapot. Yorkshire and Lapsang Souchang tea. Clothes that fit into a soft carryall, enough to take a trip for a week or to wear everyday forever.

Even though I have a small box of earrings, I usually wear one pair all the time, sometimes alternating with one or two others. But that’s about all.

The summer lies ahead. A great time to think about how everything else could be used by someone who might enjoy it. There might be boxes too numerous to count but manageable to disperse by the Fall.

Holding onto a few things feels good. Better get started soon.

About six weeks ago, I wrote a post called “getting to there“. At the time, I was hoping the opening of the book would be resolved once and for all and that any remaining rewriting would be straightforward. I was wrong.

Chickens come home to roost at times like this. I finally had to stop avoiding those parts of the book that did not “sing” and sort of sat there. I re-wrote the opening paragraph again (much better!) and tightened up the rest of the Prologue. Chapters 1, 2 and 3 were re-integrated, some back story left out, the intention of Chapter 1 better effected. Then, I went through the rest of the manuscript. I watched the royal wedding live.Then, I went through the rest of the manuscript again. Reading every word aloud helps to test the flow of words. It’s almost here.

G. told me about a Women’s Writers Workshop sponsored by the YWCA on behalf of Daybreak, a non-profit organization whose mission is to eliminate racism and to help women in need. The sessions on Saturday were helpful in concrete ways, the tone of the meetings supportive, humorous and respectful. Women are great this way, aren’t they?

Today is Mother’s Day and I’m on track. Maybe next week.