mulberryshoots

Do you know anyone who always has to have the last word? Who doesn’t, right? It could be a friend, a sibling or a parent, to start with our innermost circles. I have one in particular who never fails to make sure that I know she’s done everything I ever thought of doing. And on top of that, is planning to do things I would never think of doing. For a long time, I was baffled by this pattern because our lives have been and are so different from each other. Plus, we’ve not really been close either. So, why the competition?

Synonyms for competition are “rivalry” or “contest.” There’s sibling rivalry but that’s usually for favoritism from a parent or parents. And if the parents were clear about whom they favored and have passed away, who cares anymore? As far as a contest goes, there’s no prize for the winner and no judges either. Makes the whole aspect of competition seem trite and fruitless doesn’t it? Be that as it may, it is vexing when one of these messages floats in through the transom and is not only annoying but stirs up competition in yourself as a result!

I guess the best thing to do about it is to ignore it rather than try to understand it. In other words, it’s all about THEM, and not really about YOU, AND not even about THEM AND YOU. Would that I could be so cerebral and intelligent about it! What it makes me want to do after gnashing my teeth, is to forswear communicating with this person ever again. I think I’ve tried that at least twenty times too.

So, how about competing back?  That puts us on a road to infamy for sure. Or turning the other cheek? Been there, done that. Rationalize it somehow as a sign of THEIR insecurity? You think?!? There’s no good way to deal with this kind of power slice-and-dice, it seems to me. Maybe writing a post about the futility of it all might help. At least I hope so.

Let me know if it’s ever happened to you!

Yesterday, I met my daughter, C. for lunch at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants in Framingham. It’s a “mom and pop” restaurant: she runs the service side and he does the cooking. Both their children have worked in the restaurant since the son was in high school. We’ve been going there since he started college and then finished graduate school. Everything is home-cooked in the back kitchen. There used to be an item on the menu called “meat pie” that never had any meat in it. Instead, it had light flaky layers of pastry with a unami tasting center of finely chopped onions sprinkled with sesame seeds. We asked the son about it and were told it was taken off the menu because it took too long to make and people would finish their meals before it was baked, then reject the order and wouldn’t pay for it. Too bad because it was our favorite dim sum item on the menu.

Another of our favored dishes was a buddha’s delight kind of dish made with silk squash, tree fungus, tofu skin and fresh bamboo shoots. But yesterday, one of the big pieces of fresh bamboo shoots tasted slightly sour to me. I set it down on the edge of my plate and decided not to complain about it. I felt sad for a moment that there were so few diners eating in the restaurant and that the cook seemed to have stretched out the use-by freshness of their ingredients.

Later, G. and I went to a neighborhood Chinese restaurant for a quick supper of soup and crispy noodles with fresh vegetables. As soon as we entered the restaurant, I noticed something was different. The tables were bare wood with paper place mats and pink cloth napkins folded into empty water glasses. Usually, there was also a pink tablecloth covering the wooden top as well. I noticed a car with a linen delivery logo on it parked outside. Maybe they had a late arrival of the tablecloths. Or maybe they decided to do away with them to save money. Suddenly, I felt the twinge of sadness I had had during lunch reoccur here in this restaurant without tablecloths.

These eating establishments have both been around a long time. I haven’t been to either one in months as we don’t go out to eat often, much less twice in one day. It felt like the economy has taken its toll on these family-owned restaurants. People are still courteous and glad to see us. They put on a positive countenance. At the same time, there is a quietude in their manner as well. Times are harder than some of us think. Two meals today have convinced me that quality has taken a backseat while trying to cut corners here and there. I wish them well. But I’m not hopeful that things will get much better over time. And that would be a misfortune for us all.

white wisteria and pale pink clematis growing on the rose arbor

At the same time that I’ve been thinking about “happiness,” I’ve also been reflecting on attitude and what goes into what makes up our attitude towards the day in front of us.

Most of the time, I’ve been optimistic and upbeat about problem-solving. And believe me, there’s been lots of adversity in both my personal and professional lives. I tend to be pretty direct which sometimes gets me in trouble with people. I’m sometimes so clueless that I don’t even notice this until after I’ve said something that might have come out the wrong way.

You know what they say about a glass being half empty and a glass half full, don’t you? That there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who feel shortchanged and dissatisfied no matter what their lives are like; and those, who see the world as benefiting them, no matter what hardships and shortfalls they still face. What accounts for that, do you think? There are lots of rich people who aren’t happy and lots of poor who are. It’s sometimes seems as though how you look at things and what perspective you gain from them is the only reality that we actually have.

Since I’ve been injured, I’ve had some stunning insights about how almost nothing matters except family and showing love to each other. This is where I’ve said that it’s a waste of energy to sweat the small stuff, and almost everything is “small stuff.” Then, after other setbacks and injuries in our household the last couple of months, I’ve noticed that the pendulum has slowly swung back the other way: and that some days it feels like we are irritated and overwhelmed by “small stuff.” And that small stuff somehow becomes really important again.

You know what? It’s not worth it. I think that depression has something to do with feeling worse. One of the things that bothers me is thinking about age. Which in reality is really dumb because there’s absolutely nothing you can do about your age. I met someone last week who is a dozen years younger than I am but her attitude towards her life is full of fear and anger about how to manage when she’s older. It was so depressing.

‘new dawn’ rose arbor . . .

On most days, I’m the one who is making sure that things look up: that there’s freshly sliced ham and cheese in the fridge for sandwiches for lunch to feed the hungry guys who help G. move pianos (as they are doing right now.) Yesterday, I drove to a nursery in the next town to pick up two flats of heavenly blue morning glories to plant along the barn. Their brilliant blooms on foggy mornings in October and November lift our spirits every year. They’ll have to turn on the water and bring up the hoses so we can water the seedlings when they’re planted.

morning glories blooming in late Fall from our kitchen window. . .

I also picked up kitchen herb plants to set up outside the back door on our third floor deck: flat-leaved parsley, chives, thyme, rosemary and a large basil plant. We’ll clear out the iron hibachi grill we have out there and this weekend, maybe we’ll grill some marinated baby back ribs for supper.

Up here, I filled two containers of water to tend the orchids on the shelf in the plant/bird room. It was easier to carry them in my lap using the wheelchair than trying to carry them using a crutch. There are about six flowering orchid plants right now, some needed propping up on stakes and I rearranged them so that there was more space for them to breathe.

Tonight, we’re having chicken wings, marinated in some teriyaki sauce that I’ll add some fresh garlic and sliced green onions to and broil them to golden crispy goodness. In the NYTimes food page last week, I read about a garlic crusher that allows you to push down on cloves of garlic that instantly crush them but hold them together so that you can scoop them out wherever you need them–in a pan or marinade. Some yellow squash and onions sauteed together will accompany the barbecue chicken wings. Yum!

So, in writing this post, I’ve circled around the idea of attitude, what affects it and mostly noticing that it can change often, even within a day’s time. What strikes me is that maintaining an upbeat attitude takes thought and intention. If you’re not paying attention, your attitude can dribble away and descend into nit-picking irritation. Since we’re all different, and we’re all human, I guess it’s up to us individually just what kind of attitude we want to have, think about how to hold it and maintain one’s equanimity when things get tough again.

I can tell you one thing: it’s a lot more fun to have a positive outlook than a negative one. Believe me, I’ve been there recently and I’m climbing out of the rut I’ve been in lately. Hope everyone around me also understands.